haha... dun noe what to say...

OH MAN!!! my blog has some serious problems... cant exactly explain it but its just irritating...

Ok what i want to talk abt today is haha.. KAH HONG!!!... bish... i noe lah maybe i shldnt talk abt him... but i still will... KH is an interesting character.... ok... i'm goin to be brutally honest.... down rite harsh and incredibly frank... this is my true impression of him: i think he's an arrogant, ugly, eccentric and unbash person... and u noe whats the worst of all things... he reminds me of what i used to be!!! -_- true... and awful truth... sadly... in a way i admire him... i'm pretty sure he didnt think abt the easy way out yah? not like me... i didnt realli have had the guts to live on... and the worst thing is that neither did i have the guts to change that fact... it took me so long to get out.. to realise the other alternative... sighs...

I noe what u are thinking.. if he's so like u... shldnt u like try to help him out? ok.. wat i say next may change ur view of me but i realli dun care... I never liked myself.. why the shit shld i like him... i dun hate him either... but the thing is that i try to keep a distance away... maybe he brings back bad memories? i dun noe... BUT the thing i dislike most abt him... is only how he acts, but how he doesnt want to change his ways... look... i noe some ppl say u shldnt change for others... if u ask me.. i say thats not entirely true nor false... if u are a pest, change... and change big... because u arent goin to go anywhere if u dun... i noe... And u noe whats the most ironic thing abt it, i'm probably the only person in the class who can truly understand what he's goin thrg.... oh well.. things will run its course.. i hope he changes... for himself...

Wei chen just like got this creepy guy add her to msn... wah lao... cute gals just get it all dun they? jealous? maybe a bit lah... WAT!!! i've a rite wat! i'm not at the receiving end... although i can truly say that the other end is a hell lot worse... HAHA... what disturbs me most is that guys are such creeps man! ok.. so like osme guys... like 50% haha... guys are so shallow... and like i was telling my mortal... guys are bastards!!! i'm so glad i'm not a gal... if i was a gal, i'll probably turn lesbian man! serious! thats why i start out never like that... so very very gald that all the odac guys are like the bestest man! u guys rock... sadly, i can hardly say that for the SJI guys in my class lest stan... ant and wg are like... "wat the shit! she looks like crap... what the shit.. she looks hot"... i'm like" what the fuck... she's a bitch..." and they're like "wat the crap.. who cares... she's hot".... haha.. farnie... i dun look at gals... sometimes cute gals walk past and i dun notice (in case u were wondering, its because i was alerted to them by ant and wg). Thats like so... haha... unman? but who cares... i'm not abt to ogle at gals... argh... wadeva.. NITEZ

POT LUCK!!!

Ok.. haha... yesterday had potluck at the teacher's place... mr chan's place to be exact.. haha... wah lao!!! i went to buy the oyster eggs... no no... not eggs the oysters lay... (ahmad-> hahahaha) but the oysters cooked in eggs.. with starch.. very nice.. add chilli supa dupa nice... ahmad first time i guess... cos only banquet will sell halal one.. haha.. nice man! then i went to buy the roti john.. i was like wt....... when i ordered, the guy didnt look at me... what kind of service was that... worse still.. he took half an hr to make the roti.. i was like very gan cheong already he still liddat.. bish... this is why singaporeans always complain abt the service.. and worse still.. i smil at him.. look him in the eye.. and say thank you... he GRUNTED... bish... Never mind.. forget it..

HAHAHA.. then at mr chan's place, a lot of food.. a lot of food... some ppl bring two type... eg.. ling xiang. it was nice lah.. but too much lah... i must say i liked the pie that becky made... adn the beef stew that xh's mom made... wah... liked the cinnamon taste.. i dun usually like cinnamon.. bt i liked it with the stew.. (BOOM!!!).... oops... think thats xh's head as he's reading this.. HAHAHA... cool dude... but the dinner was nice.. too nice man.. i couldnt stop eating.. haha...secretly... i think i ate the most... haha...

ok.. so after that, we went to play this game... "i never" WAH!!! my favourite man.. haha... all the deep dark secrets come out.. haha... i especially like the statement:"i have never liked an odac gal." i thot only me and xh will drink... turns out everyone drank!!!! even ahmad and jia de!!! i wonder who ahmad and yu cheng liked... aiyah.. i bet kc and jiade fell for lx... haha... she's a nice gal.. haha.. i also like the " i have never surfed porn before" HAHA.... everyone drank.. EVEN AHMAD!!!! HAHAH... damn farnie!!! then i went to ask around... haha.. turns out some still surf... haha.. occasionally i must add... i sorta kicked the habit liao... to me now like nothing much liao... if i come across also cannot be bothered leh... haha.. cos i started too young.. like primary sch.. hehehe.... i guess i was too crap too young lah... tried smoking... tried stealing.. shoplifted.. fought( but i was so loser i lost...)... i think thats wat realli made me change and grow up bah.. thats why i'm so "guai" cos i've been not "guai" and i can truly say "guai" is a better part of life man... i also liked the "fantasize about a fren before" hahaha.. that one damn farnie... Man!! love those peeps man... will miss the guys a lot...

ok.. just a quick one to end off, we ended playing guessture.. quite fun.. quite farnie... almost won.. but aiyah let the gals win lah... HEHEHE...ok... nitez

YAY!!! BOO!!

dotz.. today is a day of contradiction... first... YAY!!! got 30 for compo... not say very very very fantastic lah.. but at least its reasonable... that mean!!!! B3 for english!!! YAY!!!! first time.. happy happy... haha... so very gd lah... then comes the contradiction... Maths S paper prelims today.. i gave up two qns and dun noe how to do another three... so that makes (count count count) a fail grade for Maths S paper.. but aiyah not counted so not so scared..

Then HAPPY again!!! cos alvin told me ms faizah say Maths i got A!!!! HAPPY!!! but paper 2 didnt top the class... not that i care lah.. but today is a contradiction mah... so BOO!!! hahaha.... tml is a dangerous day.. gietting back physics paper 2.. hopefully can get a second A.. then ok!!! then chem getting back too i think.. pls pls pls just let me get a Pass... if can get C even beta but not having much hope lah... dotz...

Next thing is that the chalet for both odac and class is settle liao... mr ho helped us booked so thats $100 for me... and then after that, got the class one... another $10 for me.. sighz.. broke liao.. haha.. but got chalet.. HAPPY!!!! dun noe why i sound so happy cos today i'm very indifferent...

I realise that xh and ahmad still reads my blog.. or at least xieheng.. well.. aiyah... thot they didnt bother. haha.. but they do.. which is gd bad bad gd...haha... whatever that means.. but pls lah... dun shout out in the middle of the audi what marks i get lah.. other ppl may not like.. and i dun noe why ah... ppl like think i very sheng... wc go and tell everyone abt my marks.. i was like -_-.. wei zheng was congratulating me and i was like...-_- oh yah.. toking abt wc hor.. wah... i realli dun noe how to tell her that she didnt do so well for compo sia... lucky hf offer to tell her.. and lucky her paper 2 was not bad so saved her.. haha... ok lah.. not too bad lah... relac lah... relac gal.. it will be beta... tml goin rock climbing cant wait... now got lost... NITEZ!!!

Quite happy quite sad quite confused

sighz... ok.. i must say today i was pretty happy! cos of my results... so far... physics paper1:25... physics paper3:91 and GP paper2:35.5!!! very high rite? yah thats why so happy... but i wonder what the rest will be.. i'm not keeping my hopes up too high... i've fallen much to often to let that happen again.. tml i will noe more... tml the danger will be greater... now that i have greater pressure to do better... sigh... i hope i did well... prays....

in another way, its sometimes not so gd lah... the class did better this time round lah i think... but the thing is that i did even better so i'm trying my best not to mention abt marks lah... marks are not realli as important as many ppl think.. i will talk abt that later... but as i was saying, i'm trying to be as sensitive abt my marks... not mentioning it... and trying to comfort and console those who didnt do as ideally... mostly gals as u noe.. they are more affected by such things... so ok lah... hate it when ppl keep kb ing me abt my marks.. i dun mind it if u do it privately lah... like Alvin ah!! argh.. he always announce to the whole class my marks lah!!! and its like i dun realli want to rub salt in ppl's wounds but he does it for me and uses my salt... dotz... but i dun hate him lah.. just maybe he needs to learn to be a bit more sensitive... haha... then again who am i to reprimand him...

As i was saying, marks arent realli as important as most ppl think.. marks are realli seondary... i chose this route because i was just too young then to fully understand the conseqeunce of this path... and now i cant turn back.. because if i turn back now, i'm just plain nothing.. but to those who are my age and decide to turn mugger estrada, pls dun.. unless u are already in ur last stretch then by all means... but seriously, adults always tell u that its beat to work hard? i can tell u... i've worked so freaking hard for 6 yrs.. i have no social skills.. no technical skills.. no nothing.. i'm crap.. i was a loser in the past.. in primary sch.. now i'm just crap... but i will eventually reach a stage that i will excel in.. soon soon.. i just have to be patient and endure.. the strike is near... the day the end the destiny is approaching soon... then again, the grass is always greener on the other side...

i got one thing to say leh... i may not seem like i care.. but hey no one likes being called ugly or loser.. haah.. the irony? but yah u cannot imagine being called that all ur life... thats why i say i cant stop living in the past.. it just wouldnt let me go... then today, i waited for yizhi hp and cheryl to finish eating lah.. help them return plate mah... but its like wg saw that and then say i was being made use of.. but i azk u... it is that bad meh? is it realli that bad? ok.. i may be biased toward gals.. but wth!!! i fucking do that for guys sometimes too lah!!! dotz... never mind... i dun realli care what he says... still goin to do it.. and yah for one thing, i dun noe why ant likes to pick on me? call me losuy stuff.. haha... i noe he dun mind it to offend lah.. so i dun hate him, but for one thing i think he thinks too highly of himself... i'm not proclaiming myself as humble.. but he need to learn a bit of humility... i can for one tell u that what i cant do, i will tell u straight in the face i cant do... no pt hiding.. and maybe thats why he probably doesnt look up to me.. because i cant do a lot of thing...

To end, i must say that hui fang's new bag doesnt look very nice! haha... and somemore i supposedly bought it for her.. haha... lucky sia.. i thot wc never tell hf that i contributed haha.. but even if she didnt i couldnt have possibly thick skin until tell hf that i did rite? haha... pray for me man. i realli need to pray that tml will be ok.. NITEZ!!

I will not sit back and let u take me down.. i will fight.. and i will win

I realli cant figure out life... the mysteries behind it.. and since the prelims ended, i have been thinking abt it... I once wondered if maybe companionship was the key.. maybe.. i dun noe.. i'm still so immatured to fully comprehend life to its fullest.. i hope one day i will..

then i was thinking to myself. Life is such a complicated thing... its so complicated that i just cant name u one specific complicated issue... but it is... and to those who say life is simple, maybe its just because u have a simple mind.. or u choose to view the world differently from me... but i think life is complicated and maybe thats what makes it interesting.. not noeing everything... making mistakes.. and learning to live with it..

I was also thinking abt what is maturity... i came up with this theory.. or rather.. philosophy... maturity is allowing ur mind to be like a book.. useful when its opened... but at the same time, not allowing it to fickle with the wind... so far... the theory has been proven wrong yet... and i hope never.. but can i live up to it yet? not yet.. i haven experienced life enough to. so let me live thrg it one step at a time.. one day.. eventually, it will come..

Thinking about love too.. sighz... yah i do wish for a close fren.. someone who understands me.. fine.. u want me to admit it? k... i'm lonely.. no denient... i've been pretty much alone all my life.. mom and dad loves me i noe.. but they arent my frens... not in that way... GOD? of cos.. he's my best fren.. but he's like email... talks back 3-4 days later... guess its hard when u have 5-6 billion best frens... damn it... i realli regret... i shld have taken care of my depression prob when i had the chance.. now its a stupid thorn in the flesh... yah i noe.. u tell me ppl who have depression dun usually noe rite.. but suicide doesnt seem like a normal reaction to life is it?... haha... i'm not seeing a psycharist... thas just plain stupid.. i can handle it myself... i think... hahah this is ironic... i'm not alone at being alone.. HAHAHA...

lastly.. for some reason i was thinking abt like fatherhood... and abt life... i'm goin to take back everything that life has deprived me... everything and more.. i dun hate life... but too much has been taken away... i heard this phrase that was very very very meaningful to me.. "there is a point when u bear and u bear and u bear so much but it just isnt helping... and thats when u have to fight back... u noe what.. i'm at that point"... i will prove that there is more.. i will prove that i'm not just anybody.. i'm some one.. and im some one u cannot imagine.. i will win.. and i will not lose... i now noe why god took everything away... because i have nothing to lose.. and a person who has nothing to lose.. has everything to gain.. so he will win... some how...... NITEZ...

ITS OVER!!!

Finally its over... done and gone with.. yesh!!! after the paper, stayed back to help the green club and mr lim.. WAH!!!! a lot of work to do sia... yup... hahah... like.. the day before the SEF.. thats the Scholastic Environment Forum... stayed up to do the odd jobs sia... wah.. firs thing when to check the LTs and stuff.. i mustr say that i enjoy working with Alvin and YQ.. they are ppl i can really work with and respect.. and they work on the same frequency as me... haven had that feeling in a long long time... Then after that, we went to check the class rooms... WAH!!! all cannot make it sia.. all the classrooms, the blackboards all like shit... got those farnie drawing and stuff... if the judges come in and see them what will they thinking of SA man!!! so we went to wash lah.. DAMN FARNIE.... at first me, yq, rich and alvin went to wash the boards... haha.. had no choice gotta enter gals toliet to get water lah.. lucky no gals in side if not very pai seh.. haha.... so yah.. then we washed... then we let it dry... then the stupiud chalk still dun wanna come out.. so we wash again.. and again.. and again... washed like 3-4 times... by then, a lot of ppl like join us liao.. i was talling yq that we are like PAP... walk a while got ppl join us.. haha.. so finally, we waited for the water to dry... alvin and rich cannot make it liao.. got distracted by the gals playing tai di... so left me and yq go wash the black boards... we wash until lke shit.. another 3-4 times before we give up sia.. HAHA.... then go to the gals toliets to wash pail... sia lah! got hui ping and cheryl inside.. lucky we call out first.. haha... but never been in a gals toliet with gals before.. it was a erm.. unique exp... then i realli needed to pee... so for the first time.. i peed in a gal's toliet.. hahaha!!! sec school pump in gals toliet do sit up in gal toliets... now pee..... next stop.. SHIT!!!! HAHAHAH...

Finally.. all the shit stuff we had to do for the nite was done... that was after we went to bound up the carpark to prevent the ppl from using the car park.. sian... so its done.. then can bath liao leh.. wah... so shiok.... the water was so cooling and refreshing... got to noe yq beta... liked him a lot... as a fren.. not .. erm hmm.. not gay... wondered why i never realised it.. HAHA... but yah lah.. so after we bathed rite rite... he stayed to write stuff i went up to tok to adeline.. shu min.. yin xian and wei cheng.. had a very nice chat sia.... tok abt the gals and guys in our sch!!! gals wise.. of cos chery and yee ting are my eye candy lah.. but yin xian say yee ting not nice!!! argh!!! but aiyah... i didnt think kelvin was very handsome either lor!!! hahaha...then we were toking abt the teachers lah.. i also thot mr leonard ong was the best looking in our sch liao.. haha... considering the fact that our sch tracks blog.. i can imagine his head blowing as he reads this HAHAH... best feemale... ms (cannot remember her name).. u noe the one some one is interested in one.. haha.. cannot write the name lah!! scarlee... the principal or mr sia see then go say... they wouldnt ask me to remove my post lah..(didnt break rule) but the teacher will come and hum tum... me.... hjahaha... so we stayed up all nite toking abt this sorta stuf... love and life.. haha... quite fun... esp since they considered my answers model answers.. hehehe...

By the next morning i was bushed.. no.. i was georged!!! haha... but still got shit to do.. aaron can too... so do do do.. then finally... got ready to guide the ppl from the foyer to the lts.. wah!!! damn tiring.. walk up the long way... to lt4 until like shit.. wal up walk down 4-5 times... then to lt 3 another 3-4 times... my shirt wet until like nothing like that... some one said that i was a prefect or something.. haha... hope that i had the bearing not just because i was ushering... OH!!! i also had to do all th eushering for the christian seminar tok too... dotz!!! free child labour.. but aiyah.. for SAS SAJS AND SAJC leh!!! die i also dun mind.. haha.. gotta meet a few of my ex teachers... esp.. "dad" .... then also hor.. must say something.. haha.. ok so outside LT4, cherl and yizhi set up the tables lah... but they didnt have chairs so they stood for almost 1 plus hr liao.. so in my very slpy state i subconsciously brought two chairs from B11 all the way to LT4 using the long route( the gate wasnt open). Until i reahced the place.. then yizhi had that very shocked and the "so sweet" look on her face.. then i suddenly realise what i had done.. haha. thats a great accomplishment for me!! it show s that i have trained subconciosu to be gentlemanly.. although ther e is a long way to go, i;m half way there... oh yah one more thing... i got to noe this gal called eunice... hmm... i must say that she's quite an interesting person.. nice to talk to... she givs me the sense that she is a strong indepedent gal.. erm.. i give special mention because she is realli very very very unique.. i never met a gal like that.. realli.. that aura.. hmm... er,m... not interested lah dey!! realli... had enuff of that love shit and stuff.. although.. i did have a dream that some one..(that turned to be my future wife) was in the exact same image... so yah.. is it? who noes.. who cares... if its meant to be it will be...

ok. then after that wah.. thats the scary part... the holding room wasnt prepared... wah lao.. so the judges came out to eat the VIP's FOOD!!! i was like totally shocked.. how could u screw up like that.. thats when i got a bit disappointed in the green club exco and partly mr lim too.. so i stepped in and suggested preparing the room in preparation for the judges return.. mr lim was freaking stressed.. he was realli stressed.. i was tired to.. but when i saw how stressed he was, i felt that i needed to do everything i coulkd to help him.. so i gathered all my strenght to help... wash cup.. dry cups.. send cups.. thats when i realised that ncc and odac has trained me well... even in my very tired state, i wsas able to think very logically.. like.. for one.. i could see that more ppl were needed so i went there holp...for another.. when mr lim asked me throw this big garbage bag, i wanted to go to the cafe and throw.. but then.. i realised that there was another function and if i threw there, VP will be very unhappy.. and so i changed to jacob ballas there.. lucky.. done everything and cleared up fast... At the end, we cleared up and finished by 5pm... got home around 6 plus.. slpt ariound 7 until the next day 9.. haha.. but woke up a couple of times.. to shit.. hahahaok.. must go liao.. father not happy... NITEZ

last paper

ok man.. the last stretch... at least for the prelims.. chem.. my weakest and most hated!!! wish me luck man.. if i fail i'm in so much shit.. if i get B, i'm goin to be in a lot of happiness... and today finally!!! atfer 1 whole mth of abstinence from basket ball.. i will get to play it.. YESH!!!

To become a man...

When life is harsh and lets you down,
When life seems cruel and makes you frown,
When all else fails and no one's round,
Dont be afraid and tumble down.

It will only get better if you dare,
To walk it through with hope and flare.
The pains may seem too hard to bear,
But grit your teeth and press on there.

And when you reach that fated end,
You will now find that you will tend,
To stand with pride amongst your friends,
Because you have become a man.

ONE MORE DAY!!!

ONE MORE DAMN FREAKING DAY!!!! argh!!! I kid myself that this prelims will be fine... nbut the truth is that its not.. its so not goin to be fine.. i think i have a rough guess of my grades liao lah... MATHS A( thats kinda expected lah... if not i will kill myself)... PHYSICS B maybe even a C..... ECONS C maybe a D... CHEM... E.... most probably... u can imagine lah... ACDE... the worst i have evere gotten.. like shit lah.. what the fuck.. i just hope tml's chem will be fine.. but who arm i kidding.. its tough.. and i hate chem... but i'm stuck with it so i just gotta make the best of it...

Ok.. i spent my time thinking abt where i intend to be... looks like the plan has to change... after this atroctious result... may have to do it the hard way... damn it.. they always have to do things the hard way... fine... so now... damn it.. i'm goin to have to work thrg uni liao.. support me self.. and do a degree can diploma at the same time.. maybe.. looks like i'm destined to be a bachalor for life... to the 20% of ppl!!! welcome the 21th% me!!!... ok.. goin to kick some serious butt when i'm out of uni...

The othere thing i was thinking abt was that life is so full of tests and exams.. its not just the prelims.. so i kinda ralise that nothing u do realli matters.. in the end, its wat u learnt. i noe for one thing, i noe my stuff... and well.. i just cant seem to pen it down.. hmmm... oh well.. life's like that live with it.. or die with out it...

One final word of wisdom... TO THOSE WHO WISHES LIFE COULD BE EASIER... WISH AGAIN... BECAUSE LIFE IS SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING BECAUSE IT DOESNT ALWAYS GO UR WAY... NITEZ

given up hope...

ok man.. given up hope on scholarship man... dotz.. forget it lah... relieved? maybe.. upset? definitely... thats life...

Ok yippee!!! got some guy write comment on my blog.. finally!!!!! but aiyah.. 1 only.. no big shit...

politics!!! was reading that spore was the2nd best place to start a business or the second easiest place to start... well?? why dun ppl start? well.. i think just as the usual sporen do, i will blame the govt lah.. but its true what!!! i ask u... how often do u see the govt encouraging entreprenuership? the sch ask them set up stall in sch is crap lah.. some scheme may be gd, but the most important is to train ppl to be financially literal!!!! like.. i start a business... everyone noes how to count money... count profits... but thats not what the business is abt.. its not the MONEY!!! its the stupid interaction between ppl and products.... that wat they need to learn.. govt shld start introducing basic econs in secondary if they want ppl to do well in business... the market is the place where the key of enterprenuership is... ok.. if realli not all the schools can take, i'm sure ppl in RGS and RI want to add another A to their already 11 As... so give them lah.. make them learn.. the become top entreprenuers.... ppl wont be complaining abt their govt sucking all the top talents too...

Then, JCs shld implement more help for the students... like taking entreprenuership as part of the cirriculum.. u want entreprenuers, offer as a subject... dun just let the poly ppl take it lah... u think abt it lah.. ppl want to be business man business woman... go JC for wat? to get to uni lah... rite now the poly ppl are considered low class.. thats not goin to change for the next say 20-30 yrs... and worse.. after u go thrg JC.. u are stuck with the mentality that employees live beta life... so change it... and i always ask frens what they wanna be when they grow up.. they say business man or woman.. but like.. whatdo they noe? they dun noe nuts abt it lah.. so how can they aspire to be something they dun noe abt...so start the dang thing in JC... then, set aside a sum of money for ppl to set up businesses. how to get them interested? ask them pool in money themselves too lah.. anyway u got the big baby bonus thing rite? so use that lah!!!

end here abruptly.. got someone toking to me.. NITEZ

@#$%^ chemistry

wat the shit lah!!!! chem was screwed inside out and outside in... the paper was supa dupa difficult... i realli realli realli regretted being so complacent over chem.. it was like.. i dun do tutorial.. i dun listen in lect... ( rather i slp in it) and i dun listen to ms koh.. no wonder she dun like me... (i think).... wat the hell.. now its crewed.. gone liao lah...

I noe lah.. its just prelims rite? i shldnt be too bothered.. but hello!!!! i didnt take s paper for nothing lah.. i realli do want t scholarship... its a very small part for the money, but it will be great for my career lah.. and my CV will be fantastic and i probably get more responsibility and opportunities... sigh.. now its kinda blown up in smoke... becos of chem, i probably cant get 4 As... and argh.. i wasnt confident for econs anyway.. so now down to 2 As... take wat shitty scholarship lah... probably take one of those GLC scholarships in sembcorp or keppel.. if i can... PSC... FIREFLY... ASTAR.. DSTA... i will see u some other time bah...

For some gd nes now? Well, at least it took some pressure off of me... i noe that i can handle pressure lah.. but beta without then with in this case... oh well.. maybe i will do beta if i give up on scholarships... hahaha... ironic... oh more gd news... i got A for maths paper 1!!!!! yippee man!!! thats like a great morale booster for me man.. helped me for econs i must say i didnt brood over chem after i heard of maths.. so yah ok lah.. econs i cant say that i didnt do well becos i was upset over chem lah.. lol... now just hoping that for Maths paper 2, i wont badly for it lah... pls pls pls dont let even maths go out the window... pls...

Yah i was wondering why the sch must set paper until so difficult... to punish those ppl who are not woken up ah? then its like not fair to ppl who do lah... LIKE ME!!! the paper is difficult so that ppl who are smart confirm can do well, but ppl who are hard working but not smart cant... LIKE ME!!! thats not entirely fair yah? not to me at least so i can just go kill myself lah.. stupid sch.. argh!!! work my butt off to make my grades average... sharks... nvm.. lets just go thrg this and see how lah...

ok.. finally i must say two things.. firstly, i today thicken that thin skin on my face and asked mr lim to let me do the SEF for pts lah.. its kinda like a betraying... but aiyah.. my interests sometimes must come first rite? so yah... in a way, i know he will probably suan me lah.. but it does show that i'm not that proud to keep my pride checked in a hotel and locked up... Secondly and very importantly... i must reali take the time to thx god... he was the true person who has seen me thrg... i noe that no matter what result i have, he has a plan for me lah... whether i get a scholarship or not, i noe that in the end, i will get where i wanna be.. just that it will be a wee bit harder thats all... but its ok... i can endure.. and i will survive... and his plan for me... will nto fail because i made it fail.... thats all i wanna say... NITEZ

its great to be sporean yah?

ok.. i was reading the newspaper today abt some guy praising spore ... that got a few qns raised in my very small head...

Ok, spore is undoubtedly a country ran by a grp of ppl we elect lah... i would like to say that its a democratic society lah but lets face facts... until we have a real opposition party, its a pseudo voting system... i'm not saying that its a bad thing.. lets think abt it carefully. the human species is plagued by this very irritating and vicious disease... its called ideas... unlike animals, we are capable of rationale thinking.. and while it may have resulted in us colonising the entire planet (its benefits though are subjective), we have come up with an unendless stream of different ideas that we shld live our life. so now we have democracy, we have communism... some say the secular muslim community is living what they consider an anti modernisation lifestyle. And what have this caused? mostly chaos. Why? simply because there is no tolerance or rather, no central control... now lets take a look at spore's system.

spore is a country that is PAP ruled... to those who despise that the PAP is leading some wat of a monarchy with the LEE family (my family) haha... at the front, the fact of the matter is that we shldnt be looking at the system... the system is just a means and a route to which ideally, we, the citizens can obtain the best candidate to lead the country.. thats primarily the idea of democracy. but the truth of the fact is that the system is nothing.. it is the ppl chosen from the system... Why do we continually choose the PAP? is it because there is no other choice? ok.. lets take the scenario that a big enough party that has young vibrant leaders... we the ppl choose them over PAP? Chances are that the some of the ppl will be swayed to the new party, but most will still stay with PAP. Why? because the PAP has proven their worth above all else... And now that we noe the system doesnt play a part, why doesnt PAP drawing all the talents matter severely?

This is because , the talent is like an army. Without unity and discipline, its not an army. it a mob... but with it, it becomes the key driving force of any country. Let history that that into account. When we look at Scotland, its ppl were spilt into factions and clans vieing for the throne in the 13th century. But with william wallace, they united adn won their freedom, only to be torn apart again due to internal conflict. So, PAP's continual drawing of talents is not necessarily bad. It only becomes a disfavour to the ppl when the real talents and covered. and as far as we can see, it hardly can be considered so.. to those who say that there maybe others who are better. well, if we have to try everyone, we die first... to learn to live with it...

This is the problem with the democratic system.. and above all, the American system... before the leader of the country, gd as he gets, like mr clinton, can slip comfortably into the position, he has to be distracted by campaigning for the new yr... waste of time and resources...

But, in the end, it is rather easy for spore to mantain the grip since we are after all, nothing but a tiny dot... yah except that we have one of the best economies in ASIA..... NITEZ

my future achievements

ok.. today's blog will be abt what i intend to achieve and what i wanna learn... lets start with what i wanna learn...

What i wanna learn When will it begin? when will it end?

1. Re-learn all my lost STARTED! -
Comp skills.
2. Retake up golfing after prelims or As -
3 Diploma in LAW in NS End of NS
4 Wine in NS -
5 Degree in Mechanical NUS or NTU When i end UNI
Engineering
6 Diploma in Economics After Uni -
7 Learn to start a small In uni -
start up



What i intend to achieve
1. Hopefully, a scholarship
2. Fulfil my bond.
3. Rise to the executive position.
4. Invest in property and shares. (trust me... i have a plan to learn how)
5. Finance freedom by 40

To those who say its not possible, i dun realli care...
Realised today that there are so many different ideologies in our world... like.. some say find a job and get finance security. Some say give ppl jobs and get finance freedom...

Oh.. and today something occured to me. ppl always say that they wanna start a business... erm. i wonder just how much they understand abt it? u noe whats the key to setting up a business? its not being afraid to lose... if u are afraid to lose, u will lose... u noe whats the main differences in what i hear from ppl? oh.. business is abt taking risks... i was like.. no! business is abt managing risk.. and abt seizing opportunities... and rite now, ppl dun seem to understand why so many adults dun wanna start businesses... why? they are afraid to lose... and worse then that, they let it take control... am i afraid to lose? of cos! of cos i am.. without doubt.. thats why a SMALL start up.. with my scholarship money if i get one... the exp is way more worth the money... and u can imagine my CV lah! the interviewer see liao...:

Diploma in LAW
Degree in mechanical engineering
Set up business
Scholarship....

wah lao... surely employ me.. haha... then i can learn from their company come out... maybe set up my own.. if not invest... think i'm childish...??? i dun care.. just seems that way cos i'm too lazy to type out what i have in mind... NITEZ

80 000 leagues under the damn *^^&$&% sea

Today is one of the low pts in my life man... i have tons of low pts though... this isnt the worst.. but its bad enuff to reckon a blogging and bittering abt.... Wat exactly started it? i dun realli noe... maybe its cos of erhmm.... but i'm not sure...

I spent the day thinking abt where i am in life... what i have accomplished and where i used to be in the past.. and the one thing i cant stand and i hate is that i cant forget the past.. i cant move on with my current life if everyday, i continue to live in the memory of wat i was... i noe there are ppl out there who have been worse off than me.... maybe they have gone thrg physical abuse... maybe they have gone thrg loss of love ones... there are many who are worse... but then most are not... most are better off... when i look at them, sometimes i envy them... do u realli think i enjoy studying relentlessly? and wat pisses me off most is that ppl shrugs it off as i'm smart... i'm not.. i'm so not smart... i work my *&*^%^*& ass off just to get grades ppl get with ease... and frankly thats my talent... diligence... a talent that has brought me nothing but shit..... but will i change this "suffering" that i went thrg? i dun think so... i've learnt so much from it... who can take humiliation or insult or for that matter, being despised and looked down upon better than me? i think very few ppl i noe can... but i dun wanna be living in wat i cant change... not in wat i have been put thrg...

I think one thing that triggered it is that ant told me i have no sense of style... hey... i'm not pissed with him... and to be frank i couldnt agree more? Maybe u think this is immatured but... i'm never goin to be gd looking.. even if i tried real hard, i'm never goin to be a hunk... and at best, i will just look more average... when ant told me that, i wanted to tell him, why shld i waste my time to focus on making my looks more mediocre... when i can spend more of it, making another aspect of life exceptional? i guess looks wise, god gave me a blessing in disguise.... to those who are skeptical abt this comment, well, its up to u... there is a thin line btwn denient and reality... and i dun think i've crossed the line....

Today, i went to the COMMEX fair... yup.. sure there were tons of things that i realli wanted?! the ipod mini... there's this cool nachus mp3 with build in radio and even games! then there was the apple mini... with OS 10 Tiger lah... thot the user interface was cool but the automator wasnt very useful but its so cool!!! saw a couple of cheaper mp3s... and i wanted the GF 5 a lot... but i just didnt have the money lah... firstly, too much stuff after As.. chalet... and one more chalet... grad nite... overseas trip... yah.. need to save up for it... but u noe what... i could have asked mom to buy them my grades would definitely have been a great negotiator... but i wont.. cos i didnt want them to waste their money.... and even if i had the money on my own, i wont... i would save for uni... and that got me seriously thinking... am i so practical that i no longer live life as i shld have? wat was i missing... and then i realised that i've missed out so much all my life... games? mp3? radio? i've lost so much... for wat? where was i moving? wat was i doin? i dun noe... everyday i wake up with this emptiness inside of me... like something in my life is missing... a gal perhaps? i dun noe... maybe thats why i'm so infatuated easily? looking for something to fill the void in my life... i just need something.. someone.. just to tell me that i haven sacrificed all that shit for nothing... i noe god does that.. and i realli do feel his love... i know that someday, i will get something great cos he wouldnt have done this to me for nothing... but when things seem down, i need to get guided.. to be reassured physically that a great end awaits..

And yet, at the same tiime, there's this person inside of me... who's just struggling to get out.. to break free from whatever binds him down... to show the world "revenge" perhaps... or maybe to just show the world a different side of me.. and for whatever reason, it just cant break free... and i think subconciously, i keep him locked down.. i dun noe why... and each day just seems harder and harder to pass as this feeling just gets stronger... and its slowly wearing me down.... have i thot of suicide? yah! sure... of cos... it may seem stupid but, i'm truly not afraid to die... death is not scary.. the pain of living is already far greater than the fear of dying... but i wont.. cos in a way, each day i pass with this feeling, the stronger i get mentally... and there is a purpose god put me on earth... if only i could find it.. rite now, my life is so empty... i want more... more... more... to live life to the fullest... but i cant... i dun noe how...

Maybe those who read this may think i'm just dumb... or that i'm kidding myself into a fairy tale that i've self written... YOU just dun understand.. no one does... not unless u have experienced it urself... one day i will walk out of the shadow... where the light shines and then i will do wat i'm destined to do.. until that day, a lot of low pts will continue to plague my life... NITEZ