80 000 leagues under the damn *^^&$&% sea

Today is one of the low pts in my life man... i have tons of low pts though... this isnt the worst.. but its bad enuff to reckon a blogging and bittering abt.... Wat exactly started it? i dun realli noe... maybe its cos of erhmm.... but i'm not sure...

I spent the day thinking abt where i am in life... what i have accomplished and where i used to be in the past.. and the one thing i cant stand and i hate is that i cant forget the past.. i cant move on with my current life if everyday, i continue to live in the memory of wat i was... i noe there are ppl out there who have been worse off than me.... maybe they have gone thrg physical abuse... maybe they have gone thrg loss of love ones... there are many who are worse... but then most are not... most are better off... when i look at them, sometimes i envy them... do u realli think i enjoy studying relentlessly? and wat pisses me off most is that ppl shrugs it off as i'm smart... i'm not.. i'm so not smart... i work my *&*^%^*& ass off just to get grades ppl get with ease... and frankly thats my talent... diligence... a talent that has brought me nothing but shit..... but will i change this "suffering" that i went thrg? i dun think so... i've learnt so much from it... who can take humiliation or insult or for that matter, being despised and looked down upon better than me? i think very few ppl i noe can... but i dun wanna be living in wat i cant change... not in wat i have been put thrg...

I think one thing that triggered it is that ant told me i have no sense of style... hey... i'm not pissed with him... and to be frank i couldnt agree more? Maybe u think this is immatured but... i'm never goin to be gd looking.. even if i tried real hard, i'm never goin to be a hunk... and at best, i will just look more average... when ant told me that, i wanted to tell him, why shld i waste my time to focus on making my looks more mediocre... when i can spend more of it, making another aspect of life exceptional? i guess looks wise, god gave me a blessing in disguise.... to those who are skeptical abt this comment, well, its up to u... there is a thin line btwn denient and reality... and i dun think i've crossed the line....

Today, i went to the COMMEX fair... yup.. sure there were tons of things that i realli wanted?! the ipod mini... there's this cool nachus mp3 with build in radio and even games! then there was the apple mini... with OS 10 Tiger lah... thot the user interface was cool but the automator wasnt very useful but its so cool!!! saw a couple of cheaper mp3s... and i wanted the GF 5 a lot... but i just didnt have the money lah... firstly, too much stuff after As.. chalet... and one more chalet... grad nite... overseas trip... yah.. need to save up for it... but u noe what... i could have asked mom to buy them my grades would definitely have been a great negotiator... but i wont.. cos i didnt want them to waste their money.... and even if i had the money on my own, i wont... i would save for uni... and that got me seriously thinking... am i so practical that i no longer live life as i shld have? wat was i missing... and then i realised that i've missed out so much all my life... games? mp3? radio? i've lost so much... for wat? where was i moving? wat was i doin? i dun noe... everyday i wake up with this emptiness inside of me... like something in my life is missing... a gal perhaps? i dun noe... maybe thats why i'm so infatuated easily? looking for something to fill the void in my life... i just need something.. someone.. just to tell me that i haven sacrificed all that shit for nothing... i noe god does that.. and i realli do feel his love... i know that someday, i will get something great cos he wouldnt have done this to me for nothing... but when things seem down, i need to get guided.. to be reassured physically that a great end awaits..

And yet, at the same tiime, there's this person inside of me... who's just struggling to get out.. to break free from whatever binds him down... to show the world "revenge" perhaps... or maybe to just show the world a different side of me.. and for whatever reason, it just cant break free... and i think subconciously, i keep him locked down.. i dun noe why... and each day just seems harder and harder to pass as this feeling just gets stronger... and its slowly wearing me down.... have i thot of suicide? yah! sure... of cos... it may seem stupid but, i'm truly not afraid to die... death is not scary.. the pain of living is already far greater than the fear of dying... but i wont.. cos in a way, each day i pass with this feeling, the stronger i get mentally... and there is a purpose god put me on earth... if only i could find it.. rite now, my life is so empty... i want more... more... more... to live life to the fullest... but i cant... i dun noe how...

Maybe those who read this may think i'm just dumb... or that i'm kidding myself into a fairy tale that i've self written... YOU just dun understand.. no one does... not unless u have experienced it urself... one day i will walk out of the shadow... where the light shines and then i will do wat i'm destined to do.. until that day, a lot of low pts will continue to plague my life... NITEZ