Scared very scared

i very scared... if u ask me... whether university can get in a not? i will say i believe so... but is that all i want? i've come so far... and given so much for this three wks... this three wks are goin to decide the course of my life... where i will go... what i will do... how much opportunities i have to create instead of get... i realli hope to get a scholarship... not because of the prestige or becos ppl will "wah.. aaron scholar.. kowtow..." but because it will give me a lot of choices... a lot of oppotunities... a lot of chances... i dun wanna have to make this opportunities... to have to back stab... to fight... at least not as much as i will if i dun get the scholarship...

I think ppl who arent in my position dun understand... they think i have nothing to wry abt... that i "confirm" do well.. i realli wish i can change that mindset.. i not neccesarily "confirm" do well one... i have had it hapened to me all so often... everything.. he bring me all the way up... just abt to reach.. and just when i can feel it in my hand, he lets go... and i fall down... and he laughs... and he does it over and over and over again... and i'm so afraid he will do it now... again... and i'm quite tired... tired of wishing that it wont happen... tired of wondering what if i dun make it.. and tired of wondering how much more strugglng i will have to go thrg just to get to the other end... my talent is like a curse... i dun give up... but becos i dun give up, everything i do gets harder and harder... why cant my meat be someone else poison... why must it be both to me... argh...

i pray that i will do well... just once... just asking for one time in my life.. that i can have my cake and eat it... do i ask for too much? is it too hard to give? can i just have one chance.... one chance not to go back... not to have wasted it all... not to waste it all and go back where i came from... and then start again from there...

stressed... very very stressed... haha... ironically.. i sometimes envy the others... no need to live up to expectations... no need to live ur dreams... to live life one day at a time.. with no hate... no anger.. no tears... but its a life i chose.. a fate i created... and a destiny i will fulfill... i know i will go somewhere... god doesnt do this over and over... just to let u go.. i noe... i just wish i could noe where... some day... some how... i will make it come true.. i'm almost there... so close.. rite there... i can almost feel it.. almost touch it...................................................................................